This is a post that has been subconsciously written over the past several weeks, months, and even years. This morning in the bath tub my conscious brain finally sat up and took notice, and I could not withstand writing the thoughts as they came. I hope as you read you'll feel it comes from an open and sincere place.
It’s been a long road, one where I’ve shot myself in the foot (some of our most disabling wounds are self-inflicted) made excuses that it was just too difficult (believing some things insurmountable) subconsciously sabotaged my own efforts (not truly believing in myself) and feeling stuck and emotionally low as a result.
Have you ever looked around and thought, if I could just be more like her? If I could just have the traits that he has? If only my life circumstances were different, this or that could be achieved?
Of course you have! We’ve all done it, but some of us are pros while others are amateurs. Let’s just say I may have been reaching pro levels in this comparison game and the consequences of my mental time spent in that game are now finally open to my view.
The negative comparison self-talk that went largely undetected for so long ran the gambit. From comparing my body size and shape, my life circumstances, my natural abilities and talents, my knowledge, my resources, my strength and weakness, my family life, my spirituality, all of it at some point or other compared to another’s. These thoughts most often resulted in feelings that did not inspire but depressed my spirit. I did appreciate things about myself, but I also believed at some deep level if I could just BE somebody else, maybe I stood a chance in reaching my goals. Well one big problem with that line of thought, it’s impossible. I can’t be anyone but me! I can grow and change myself into someone new, but I can’t grow and change myself into someone else, nor should I try. My God created me and rather than look around with thoughts of helplessness and envy, I can act; building and creating my best self.
If you’ve read this far, I’m sure you’re thinking…. duh…. how it this a revelation? Of course I can’t be anyone but me! Granted, this is something I knew on a conscious level, but somehow in the deep recesses of my subconscious mind I did not feel that I knew enough, was strong enough, was brave enough, was endowed with enough (fill in the blank) to achieve my dreams. I saw obstacles in my way and noticed and envied others that didn’t have those same obstacles.
These real and perceived obstacles turned into excuses for a long time. I battled with depression deeper than I’ve ever felt, feeling and believing lies that my subconscious mind played over and over. I wanted out of this dark trap. I wanted to escape, but I didn’t know how. While a large part of me had given up, a tenaciously brave sliver of myself would not be quieted. I thank my Maker for that small seed of courage that didn’t accept this perceived reality, but instead hoped and prayed for more.
Through the eyes of others, I finally began to see myself with a keener and more accurate eye. Not all of it pretty, but all of it true! I’m so grateful for the outstretched hands in my life that helped me reach deep down to find that seed of courage and begin cultivating it, rather than the invasive weeds of doubt.
I could beat myself up for all the time I wasted, all the opportunities squandered the past few years. Instead I feel grateful and believe with all my heart my path has been a necessary one to arrive at this understanding. I am thankful for what I’ve passed through. It’s made me, me!
What I’ve finally come to feel deeply and profoundly is that I am perfectly positioned to achieve what I desire. My past life and professional experiences, my grit and determination, my desire and passion are enough to carry me wherever I chose to go. I believe that what is meant for me will flow to me if I remove the barriers blocking the way. I fight to make myself into the best me possible, accepting the growing pains and discomforts that come with it.
My purpose in writing this personal commentary is a belief that if we were all more honest and vulnerable, we would all be strengthened. If we all were more open about what we are really struggling with, we would take more courage. If we all shared the parts of us that feel weak, unflattering and broken, we would know our trials are not so rare and unique as we supposed.
If you are feeling stuck, if you are feeling like a victim of life circumstances, if you are thinking you wish you could be anyone but you, please keep reaching for that courage buried deep within you! Believe the positive voices around you that are attempting to build you up. Let those voices penetrate deep and reverse the toxic thoughts you’ve bought into for far too long. You are a treasure! You have things to offer that are important! Don’t waste your time and energy waiting anxiously for something to change, go make a change. Taking action breeds confidence. I know you can do it! I know you are meant to be happy, to have a fullness of joy along your journey. Keep dreaming and believing!